Monday, January 14, 2008

You're Not as Clean as You Think

William and I were in the YMCA's indoor pool last weekend, which was moderately crowded and watched by two lifeguards. We were playing with one of those foam noodles, hollow in the middle, that are supposed to be used to aid flotation. Unless you are a boy, and then it is used as a water cannon. Trying to divert Wm from shooting water at nearby swimmers, I suggested that we use it to talk secretly to each other. Demonstrating, I held it up to my ear, only to have a burst of water forcibly pushed into one ear canal and out the other. Wm, at the other end of the tube, laughed uproariously.

My automatic response was to fill the tube with water and blow water onto him. He had the tube currently about eye level. Just as I blew the water, he decided to follow my suggestion and speak into the tube, moving it into the vicinity of his mouth just as I shot the water from the tube. The water shot into his mouth all at once as a surprised look came over his face. He sputtered and then began turning red. Oh, Lord, I thought, he's choking to death and it's my fault. Swallow, swallow, I encouraged him.

That's when he began retching, and I, an experienced mother knew what was coming - he was going to throw up in the pool and they'd have to evacuate, call Homeland Security, and drain the pool. I'd be posted on the bulletin board with known terrorists at the Post Office. I moved him as quickly as I could to the side of the pool, but it was already coming out. Holding my hand over his mouth as most mothers do without thinking so that you can somehow catch the vomit or somehow shove it back into his mouth until you are someplace else (something NO ONE would ever thinkingly do), I can remember pondering "what is this you had to eat? It's blue. And some pink. Oh, yes, blueberry muffins for breakfast".

Getting him to the pool drain, I rinsed off his face and the drain while looking out of the corner of my eyes. Did the lifeguards see? Did anyone else? No, phew! Then, Will let out a huge, "YUCK!" because he had slime all down his floaty bathing suit. I jumped out of the pool, pulled him after me and ran to the ladies' locker room and hosed him down in the shower. Quickly, we returned the the pool, got in and acted like nothing happened. I added in a little whistling to make sure.

Then I caught the eye of a mom nearby. She looked at me with that "look". She glanced up at the lifeguard, and then just ever so slowly, shepherded her kids away from us. I wanted to shout, "He's not sick - I just almost drowned him, that's all!" I looked down to see a filament of yuck with a purple piece of blueberry attached float by and decided it was time to leave. I will probably never think of the cleanliness of a public pool in the same way again.


pita-woman said...


Anonymous said...

This posting is way too funny. My only question: Were the blueberry muffins homemade with fresh blueberries or store bought?

Tammy at HS Comments on the Fly

Junosmom said...

Uh, okay Tammy, I'll bite :-) (oh, no pun intended). They were homemade with wild frozen blueberries purchased at Costco. I'm left wondering if homemade or store bought makes better puke?

Anonymous said...

This happened to me on Friday at the YWCA! My boy swallowed pool water and then, up came his lunch (I, too, noted that it was popcorn chicken). I tried to catch it. The things moms do...yuck. I told the lifeguard. He wasn't that concerned. He just cleaned up the floaters and that was that. But the mom I had been standing next to took her kids out of the pool and I have to admit, I told my other kids to get out, too, and I certainly wasn't swimming anymore that day. :) I enjoy your blog and I'm glad you're back.

Tex's Missus said...

Ewwwww !! What a fabulously gross post - loved it. I'll be back for more of the same :)

Camflock said...

This is the story that when you told it to me, I literally fell over laughing. Then I proceeded to go swimming 3 days later at the same YMCA. I stayed in the lap lanes. My daughter proclaimed she was on the look out for suspicous blue things while swimming though.


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