No, Really, I Don't

Dear Sprint,

Thank you for recent upgrades to my account. I appreciate the new phone, though it doesn't seem to hold a charge. I see that it has a built in camera, though I've not time to figure out how to download them to add them to the other 10 billion photos on my computer that has left it with a memory deficit. I see it also has voice commands for dialing, but doesn't seem to understand me unless I speak in a fake Indian accent. People are starting to stare. "status" "dial" "LAUREN" I said LAUREN. LAUREN LAUREN LAUREN dag nammit.

And to clarify:

• I do not want my phone to have a global positioning system. Though I could have used it today when I drove downtown, got lost, drove the wrong way down a one-way street, I still don't want it. I would like it to beep when I "clap on" so I can find where I put it and save me from having to call myself.
• I do not want the internet on my phone. I could have used it today to look up where I was going before I started out to go there, but I still don't want it.
• I don't need my phone to play fancy ringtones, like a horse neighing or a pig squealing or even the latest top 10 pop songs, just a ring will do. Generally, I think any sound these days is my cell going off, so I'll catch it if it so much as beeps.
• I don't want to text message, I don't want my daughter to text message. No really.
• I don't want to send photos. Again, really.
• I don't want the latest Playstation III games on my phone. Driving down the highway in these winds at 70 mph is enough like the BMX game as it is. Adding on playing my phone at the same time would be just too much fun.
• I do not need to access my email while dodging tractor trailers on the highway. I don't even need it while waiting at the doctor's office. I'm terribly old-fashioned and bring a book. Book, b-o-o-k, you know the square looking thing with paper....Oh, forget it.

To reiterate, I want to use the phone as a phone. Really.
Thank you for understanding and for reducing my bill by the extra $59.99 you tacked on for the above services.

Sincerely,

Junosmom