Thursday, May 10, 2007

Where do I sign?

The BBC news magazine reports that Paris Hilton wrote the following on her blog:

"Please help and sihn it."
She is hoping you'll sign her petition for her pardon from a jail sentence for driving while under a suspended license, a sentence imposed the last time she was caught driving drunk. I'd like to know where is the petition to make sure she does go to jail? That's the one I want to sihn sign. Actually, I think jail is too good for her. In fact, we all know she won't go to the jail that we'd go to - the one where they do the body cavity search, wash your hair with lice shampoo, dress you in orange jumpsuits that clash with your skin type, and white socks with flip flops. No, she'll be signing autographs for the guards and somehow sneak a camera in there to document her next show, "The Prison Life". She'd make another couple of million.
I instead have thought of a few alternatives to prison for her. It goes without saying that she'd not be allowed to film any part of it.
  • First things first. She should be required to take grammar and spelling lessons with fifth graders, because she obviously isn't smarter than one.
  • She must buy all her clothes and personal effects at Walmart for an entire year. (She was quoted as having said, “What’s Wal-Mart? Do they sell like wall stuff there?”) Idiot.
  • Send her to Haiti. Make her serve food to the poor, help them pick through the garbage dumps for their next meal. Have her decide which child will starve today, and which will eat, since they can't all have food every day.
  • Send her to Africa, to a village to carry water for women who spend 3 hours of their day walking to and from getting water, carrying it on their heads. Have her care for the children of the village with diarrhea because the water isn't clean.
  • Send her to live in Afghanistan, where she can come to understand what it is like to be a woman with no money, no education, no power and covered from head to toe with black cloth. It would be hard to make your living on your sex appeal if no one can see that you have a body.
  • Have her work in a nursing home, serving wrinkled, old women who no longer have men gaze at them with lust in their eyes, because Paris darling, your looks won't last forever and someday, you'll be that wrinkled old woman if you are lucky enough to live that long.

Really, one hundred years from now, who will remember her? And what will they remember? My girls could only identify a handful of the names of sex symbols of the 40's and 50's. A whole long list of them, famous in their day, are forgotten by the next generation. Here was someone who had all the wealth to make a difference in the lives of people, and she's throwing it away.

Sort of related, this phenomenon is not confined to our times. Have you ever heard of Mary Bolelyn? She was The Other Boleyn Girl. Before her sister Anne became the second wife of Henry VIII, Mary was the favorite of the court and Henry's mistress. She was at the top of the world. Yet, unless you've read this book, likely, you have never heard of her. And this will be the end of the story for Paris. She will likely not be remembered, and it will be no loss.


pita-woman said...


pita-woman said...

Amen! Where do I sign your petition at??

Camflock said...

I vote for you for congress! You need to make these laws! You make a lot more sense than those posh lawyers who are trying to brush her offense (that could KILL someone) under the carpet. I agree, grammar first then off to Haiti. Great idea! Were do we sign your send Paris back to elementary school then to Haiti petition?

whitetr6 said...

a local radio guy was reading from a similar petition yesterday morning, which was asking the Governator to pardon poor Paris. When he got to the point about her being a role model for girls, he almost choked and I almost wrecked. His commentary afterwards gave her the lambasting she deserves. Lock 'er up. Maybe she'll learn something, but then again, maybe Danica Patrick will call me up tonight to go cruising in her Indy car. Really...could happen...

pita-woman said...

I just read where Paris may not have to serve her 45 days after all, because of jail overcrowding.
I say let out a few hookers & some women in there for killing their abusive husbands, and that should free up enough room for Paris.

Jean N. said...

Awesome, Cathy!


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